>Words fail me. Shell-shocked would be an understatement. Numb will be more correct. A firm believer in God, I believe it is a test that He has posed before me to test my belief in Him. Will I be able to survive the torrent of emotions flooding through me and raising doubts again and again in my mind about his existence and still remain a believer? This “Agnipareeksha” that He has set before me may prove to be too much.
Why is it that whenever we become a bit too happy, somewhat carefree, that He sends thunderbolts down into our lives to remind us that however valuable our lives are to us and our loved ones, it takes only a moment to take it away. I was in such a state before this calamity that has befallen. A life that has been so painstakingly nurtured and shaped is taken away in an instant leaving us gasping for breath at the brutality with which He “looks” after His creations.
Some may say “Vidhi” or “Yogam” to what has happened, but I ask why such things should happen at the instant that we are slightly happy. Had He planned it all in such a way that we are always on the edge, always asking ourselves whenever we are happy how long it is going to last. Is it how He wants His children to live? Great sayings are there about how we should only care about the moment we live and not about the future, but is it practical. The best that I have heard is “the past is history, the future is a mystery, every moment that we live is a gift, that is why it is called Present”. That seems to be true for happiness also. Momentary happiness seems to be the only thing that we should take for granted. A gift, no a loan provided to us at a high interest rate, the mortgage being ours or our dear ones’ life, whichever we value more. Is he the biggest loan shark of them all?
Words particularly in a language foreign to me can never ever express the anguish inside me, yet I have to resort to words to convey my grief. Einstein said that God doesn’t play dice. I don’t know about this but one thing I am sure is that he does play cards and does not play fair. Holding all the aces up his sleeve, he feigns defeat, rather victory for us for one or two games. The poor ignorant fools that we are, we overestimate ourselves and raise the bets. And then in one fell swoop, a coup de grace, he ends it all.
That is all I can manage now.
Hasta La Vista (so I hope)
PS: This has been written in a mood not suitable for proper clear thinking.